


To Be Without You

by chocolateghost



Category: A Song of Ice and Fire & Related Fandoms, A Song of Ice and Fire - George R. R. Martin, Game of Thrones (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, But there's still hope, Death, F/M, Grief/Mourning, oh my god why did i write this?, so fucking sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-08
Updated: 2018-03-08
Packaged: 2019-03-28 19:50:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,713
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13910985
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chocolateghost/pseuds/chocolateghost
Summary: "I wrap my coat a little tighter around myself as I tromp through the undisturbed snow that blankets the ground. My feet are on autopilot. I could walk this path in my sleep, I’ve done it so many times. And each time is just as hard as the last. Finally, I reach the crest of the hill where she is. I stop in front of the familiar granite slab and take in the sight. I swallow the lump in my throat before I speak."Jon visits Sansa's grave a year after her untimely death.





	To Be Without You

**Author's Note:**

> Let me just start by saying that I am so very sorry about this. I was driving home one day and Death Cab for Cutie's ["What Sarah Said"](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YNacDL-Z9Z0) came on shuffle as I passed a cemetery. Like it was meant to be or something. I got to thinking about what it would be like to have to bury the love of your life at such a young age. Depressing as fuck, but such a very real thing that happens. I wanted to explore that feeling and this story just kind of poured out of me.
> 
> I hope you give it a chance, but I understand if it's too much.

My old truck rumbles to a halt on the narrow road. I step out into the frigid air and breathe deep, trying to brace myself for what I'm about to do. Even after all this time it’s still difficult. I can’t imagine a time when it won’t be. I grab the flowers from the passenger seat and close the door.

 

I wrap my coat a little tighter around myself as I tromp through the undisturbed snow that blankets the ground. My feet are on autopilot. I could walk this path in my sleep, I’ve done it so many times. And each time is just as hard as the last. Finally, I reach the crest of the hill where she is. I stop in front of the familiar granite slab and take in the sight. I swallow the lump in my throat before I speak.

 

“Happy anniversary, baby. I brought you your favorite. Blue winter roses. I miss you so much. I can't believe it's already been a year. I wish I could see you. I wish you could talk to me.”

 

I hear the rustling of leaves around me. A warm breeze touches my face. It’s the middle of winter. There shouldn’t be any warmth. Especially here. Snow covers every headstone, but the only one I can see is hers. We didn’t really know what she would have wanted. So we just decided to do something simple yet elegant. The dark granite stands out stark against the white powder.

 

I sit down right in front of it. I can already start to feel the cold starting to soak through my clothes, but I don’t really care. I brush the snow away from her grave and place the flowers at the base of the stone. Taking off my glove, I reach out and touch it, running my fingers through the grooves that spell out her name.

 

“I love you Sansa.” My voice cracks as I speak.

 

I come to this place often. It’s probably not healthy, but being here gives me comfort. I don’t really know how to explain it. But just being here, it’s like I’m with her. I don’t always talk. Sometimes I just sit and think. Today though, I feel like talking. The only thing on my mind is Sansa and the day that brought me to this place.

 

“It was our anniversary that day, remember? I had just finished making dinner. You had gone to see Robb for some reason. I was wandering around trying to find something to light candles with. You know me, all about romance,” I chuckle to myself mirthlessly. The sound of it is foreign to my ears. I don’t remember the last time I had a genuine gut-busting laugh. Probably when she was alive.

 

“I had just found the matches when I got the phone call. That fucking phone call... Robb was frantic. There was an accident. The ambulance had come. I needed to get to the hospital. I don’t remember grabbing my keys or coat or anything. All I remember was the burning need to see you and make sure you were ok.

 

“The drive over was a blur, but once I got there I was immediately surrounded by your family. They were obviously worried and upset. They didn’t really know much. Just that you were in critical condition. I remember feeling afraid, but I also numb. Does that makes sense? It was like none of it was real. Like I was in a movie or a dream or something. Surely this couldn’t happen to me. To us.”

 

I think back to that night in the waiting room. What an awful place. Uncomfortable chairs. Old magazines. A TV no one is watching. The smell of stale coffee and bleach. Nothing about any of it eases your worries. This is a place where you only come to prepare yourself for the worst. Because that is all you can think about.

 

“We waited in that godforsaken room for hours. Your mom held my hand the entire time we were there. Did you know that? She whispered prayers to herself trying to comfort me. Isn’t that wild? The woman who once kicked me out of her house for getting mud on her freshly cleaned carpet. Funny, huh? I remember your dad had his hand on my shoulder. Robb was pacing. Arya was so angry that we knew nothing. She was constantly running up and down the halls trying to find someone who had any information. Bran and Rickon just sat there looking anxious.

 

“I was trying so hard to keep it together. But all I could think about was the last time I saw you. You were laughing as you put your coat and hat on. Told me you would be back soon. Gave me a kiss on the cheek as you practically skipped out the door. I just kept running it over and over in my mind. I clung to it like a drowning man. I suppose that's what I was.

 

“Hours later the nurse finally came in and told us that you were out of surgery and that we could see you. Walking into that room was just… You were hooked up to so many machines, there was barely enough room for all of us. You were tired and hurting, but so happy to see everyone. And I’ll never understand how, but you were worried about us! There you were, broken down in a hospital bed and you were fucking worried about everyone else but yourself. It was just so you to do that.”

 

I shake my head in disbelief. I still see it all so clearly. My eyes are starting to burn. I sniff and carry on.

 

“The doctors - they weren’t sure if you were going to make it through the night. They were optimistic, but you were weak. Very weak. Your mom and I spent the night with you. The rest of your family went home to rest up. You made sure to tell each of them how much you loved them. Your mom drifted off at some point probably exhausted.

 

“I stayed awake and held your hand the entire night. We talked until you got too tired. Before you fell asleep you told me you loved me. Do you remember that? You said that no matter what happened, you were happy you got to spend what little time you had on this earth with me. I told you how much I loved you and that I would see you when you woke up.”

 

My tears flow freely. I don't even bother to wipe them away. I know that it would be no use. Let them freeze on my face.

 

“But you never did wake up. I never got to see your eyes look at me ever again. And it’s not fair. It’s not fucking fair that the last time I ever got to talk to you and see you alive you were broken and bruised in a hospital bed. I hate it. I hate it so fucking much.

 

“We buried you on a day just like this. Snow everywhere. It was a small funeral. I don’t remember much about it. I was numb. But I can tell you that the only thing I wanted to do was to crawl inside that coffin and die right there beside you. I didn’t want to live without you. It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do.

 

“We had our whole lives ahead of us. So many plans just fucking gone. Remember all the places we wanted to travel? Or how many kids we wanted to have? The house we were going to buy? It’s all gone and I just, I can’t fucking take it. I don’t want to be here.

 

“But goddammit I’m trying, Sansa. I’m trying so hard to live for the both of us. I know you wouldn’t want me to be this way. But I don’t know what to do with myself anymore. You were my dream. The only thing I ever wanted. You were it for me. The one. I was supposed to spend the rest of my life with you. I didn’t think it would be you spending the rest of yours with me.

 

“I know I should try to move on, but I don’t know how. You were everything. I planned my entire life around you. How can I come back from this? I'm so afraid that I’m going to forget you, Sansa. I don't want to forget you. I don’t want my memories of you to fade away. They’re all I have left.

 

“I find little pieces of you everywhere and it destroys me. I can still smell you on the sheets. I've washed them so many times. It doesn't make any fucking sense. I’m afraid I’m going insane. I want you back so bad. I would give fucking anything just to see your smile one more time. Kiss your lips. Wake up next to you. Hold you in my arms. Hear your voice tell me that you love me. Fucking anything. I just want to not feel this pain anymore. Even if it was just for a minute.”

 

I lose track of time as I sit and cry against her headstone. It's getting dark and I know I can’t stay here forever. I put my glove back on and stand, brushing the snow off my clothes.

 

“Thank you for loving me, Sansa. You know I’m not a religious man, but I feel blessed that you chose to spend your life with me. Even knowing what would happen, I would do it all over again. I would never choose to live a life where we never met. I really hope you're happy wherever you are. I miss you so much, sweet girl. I love you with all my heart.”

 

I lean down and kiss the headstone. I take one last look before I turn away to trudge back to the truck. But before I can take a step, I feel that warm breeze touch my face once again. I close my eyes and for the first time in forever, I smile. I understand now. I’m not alone. She is the breeze. She is here with me. Always.

**Author's Note:**

> If you made it this far, thank you for sticking with me. Go hug someone you love or do something fun. :)


End file.
